Cheers to you Tirico Suave, this is brilliant.
John McLaren, fresh off his audition for the next Jay and Silent Bob movie, has had the towels, food and beer removed from the Mariners’ locker room in an effort to make the players accountable for their 21-39 record. Yes, because now, after the postgame shower, when Richie Sexson has to dry himself off with Willie Bloomquist, a light bulb will go off (assuming McLaren hasn’t also banned lightbulbs, both real and symbolical) in his head and he’ll think “Oooooh, batting .200 is really shitty. The fuck was I thinking?!?”
It really is sad how contrived this John McClaren tirade was. The 2008 Mariners really are just a set of mediocre free agents and newly traded players cobbled together with false hopes of being good enough to compete in one of the worst divisions in baseball. Not only do they lack characters, they lack character and can't even be authentically pissed off when they're 21-39. Instead, the Mariners PR team has to orchestrate a tirade.